Monday, September 24, 2012


Both my kids have iPods.  More specifically, each has an iPod Touch, which does everything my iPhone does except make phone calls.  The Professor uses his for listening to music or watching videos on YouTube or playing games.  Foghorn does the same, plus she takes full advantage of the chat feature.

My sister and I were busy in the spring and summer buying gifts for my mother's 80-Gifts-in-80-Days birthday extravaganza.  Since we were purchasing a gift a year starting from 1932, we spent a lot of time in antique malls.  When possible, I visited them without my children in tow, not that it saved me as much grief as I might have expected.  I'd be going through a huge pile of old magazines when suddenly my phone would ding and there would be a message:  Touche Mom.  (Touche is Foghorn's favorite, all-purpose word.)  Sometimes I was stupid enough to message her back.  Other times I'd ignore her.  Either way I'd have to mute my phone to avoid the stares of other patrons as my pocket dinged every three seconds.  She would send a barrage of messages my way, everything from insults to pleas for a toy from any booth that had a stuffed animal.

I'm not the only one who falls prey to her online menacing.  I have it set up so she can chat with only select people (i.e., not 45 year old men who might try to entice her to another state).  Since my husband and The Professor steadfastly refuse to ever answer her, that leaves me, Grandma, and my sister, Uncle Chester, to bear the brunt.  Over the summer my sister would end up in very long typed conversations with Foghorn at one in the morning.  I'd be awakened from an afternoon nap by my phone dinging and a message reading "wake up I'm starving."  Grandma usually received pleas for money.

The joy of the iPod camera...
taking pictures of yourself.
I realized last week that Foghorn and I had a true 21st century mother-daughter relationship as I stood in a Target aisle arguing with her over Nintendo DS games.  On Saturday she was due to attend the birthday party of her best friend, Haley, and her twin sister, Amanda.  Foghorn chose not to actually accompany me on the gift-buying expedition, but gave me strict orders to buy them things they'd like.  Since their mother had mentioned DS games as a possibility, I headed for the game section of the store and quickly found a Monster High game for Haley.  Amanda proved more difficult, since I know less about her tastes.  I e-mailed my husband to tell Foghorn to get on the chat.

Our conversation then went like this:

Me:            Would Amanda like a Barbie ds game?

Foghorn:     what!  thats what you want?

Me:            YES!  I'm standing in Target! 
                 (Silence for several minutes, so I dispatch another message.)     Well?

Foghorn:    oh well um she probly would. oh, and while your at it get me a barbie
                ds game 2

Me:           Or Hello Kitty?  Or My Little Pony?  HER, not YOU.

Foghorn:    aww..why not ME!

Me:           Answer me!  I wanna get out of here.


Me:            Fine.  I'm getting Barbie for HER.

Foghorn:    NOWAIT  she doesnt like barbie as much as...

Me:            Then what?!?

Foghorn:    hhmmmmm...first tell me whats at target

Me:            Either Hello Kitty or Pony.  Those are the options.  Monster High
                 for Haley.  (Silence for several minutes.)

Me:            ???

Foghorn:    well she likes hello kitty AND i do too...or maybe she likes...

Me:            Kitty it is.  GOODBYE.

Foghorn:    no wait  actually she likes pony

Me:           FINE.

Foghorn:    I want kitty

Me:           NO.

Foghorn:    Please (with weepy-face emoticon)

Me:           You owe me MONEY!  (She has yet to completely pay off the iPod Touch
                she uses to cyber bully me.)

Foghorn:    but - but - cant you just at least tel me what hello kitty game it is.  
                please.  (Weepy face emoticon.)

I intentionally waited until I had purchased the games and headed to my car before I took a snarly picture of myself and sent it with a message.

Me:           Too late.  In the parking lot.

Foghorn:    (Four weepy face emoticons.)  well then you OWE me it!  (Huge toothy
                smiling face emoticon.)  Nice picture (Winky face emoticon.)

Me:            Naaaaaaayyyyy!!!!!  (My favorite all purpose word, which usually
                 means "up yours.")

Foghorn:    nnaaaayyyy yourself  (Frowny face emoticon.)  your a beep! 
                ("Beep" is used frequently when she wants to call someone or
                something a cuss word.  She bleeps out the word like they used to on

                television, before they decided a half second of silence was better.)

While technologically advanced harassment doesn't thrill me, I'm at least happy with my daughter's grasp of newfangled communication.  Considering her school is no longer teaching cursive, but is teaching keyboarding, this is obviously her future.  Then again, if she types another comment on one of my Facebook posts that says "Touche, fartso," that girl isn't going to have a future.


* Meet the Inmates - Foghorn

* Two Sides to Every Person


quilt32 said...

Even though I knew all this as it was happening, it's still hilarious to read.

Marcy said...

My kids are so brief in their texts that it usually takes me a few tries before I get the info I am looking for. I guess I should be glad they are not pestering me with texts, lol.