Wednesday, May 13, 2015


NOTE TO SELF:  Do not send an email detailing your latest freakish fall/injury to your sister thinking she'll find it funny.  Instead she will call at one in the morning insisting she's taking you to the emergency room because she has no sense of humor.

I honestly thought she'd roll her eyes at my continued clumsiness when she read this:

Subject:  Ugh!  I did it again...

Actually, this wasn’t MY fault exactly, but I had another weird fall/injury.  Do you guys remember when I was a senior in high school and one day after school I got this weird pain in my chest and fainted?  I was on my way into the kitchen and grabbed the side of the doorway and the next thing I knew I was on the floor?  (And Ginger the dog was there in my face looking all concerned?)  Well, I did THAT again.  I came out to the kitchen between innings of the ballgame.  I took a sip of pop and then got this horrible pain in my chest.  I’ve had that happen before, but it’s usually just very brief pain, almost feeling like an air bubble or something.  Anyway, this time the pain was excruciating and wasn’t letting up and I put my hand on the refrigerator to steady myself, kind of doubled over because of the pain.  Next thing I knew I woke up on the floor, with my head right in front of the sink.  I sort of flailed around at first because I was completely disoriented and couldn’t figure out if I was dreaming or was really looking at the kitchen ceiling or what.  I pulled myself up, but I had horrible pain all through my neck and upper back and I was dizzy.  Daisy came running in so I don’t know if I landed with a loud thump or if I was making noise passed out or what.  I got to my feet and all I could think was that I needed ibuprofen for my  neck.  I wasn’t sure if I hit my head or just landed on my back.  I kind of staggered over and got the meds, but I was half out of it and not really steady on my feet.  I swallowed the pills and was kind of leaning on the counter when I realized my teeth were out of whack, with my lower ones thrust forward like a bull dog.  I felt them and they all felt loose on the bottom.  I got to the bathroom and in the mirror they were visibly loose and a little bloody.  I’ve slightly chipped one of the front teeth (more just made it kind of uneven on the bottom, not like a big piece out or anything) and a couple of the top front teeth are all rough on the inside.  For the next half hour I kept spitting out little pieces of my teeth like grains of sand.  The only thing we can figure is I fainted and went face first into the fridge, maybe snapping my neck forward in the process.  (A couple of the magnets were on the floor.)  Not sure how I fell since I ended up flat on my back.  Wish I had video footage of it just so I could know what the hell I did.   I guess it’s also possible I snapped my neck when my head hit the floor and my teeth jammed into each other, but I don’t seem to have any pain or lumps on the head itself.

The Vulcan said he’d work from home tomorrow and take me to the dentist if I can get an appointment since I doubt I’m going to be able to turn my head in the morning with the way this feels right now.  He also wants me to go to the regular doctor, but I’m afraid he’ll send me for a couple thousand dollars’ worth of tests.  He was Googling around and thinks maybe this is what I have:

Apparently a lot of people on Reddit complain about it.  I’ve certainly had that catch in my chest before, but this is only the second time I’ve ever passed out from it.  He kept quizzing me on other symptoms to make sure it isn’t heart-related, but there really wasn’t anything.  Just that really sharp pain in one spot. 

I should have known better.  My sister was hysterical and insisting you don't screw around with heart pain and she was coming over.  I don't know if you've ever seen the episode of The Andy Griffith Show where Andy and Barney are trying to forcibly remove Ernest T. Bass from Mrs. Wiley's house, but if you have, that's what it would have resembled (see it here at the 21:25 mark).  I would not have gone and sore neck or no I would have put up a kicking fight.  (Ten years ago when I went I was stuck there for eight hours and swore I'd never go again unless I was missing a limb.)  I finally had to put my husband on the phone to reassure her he was confident it wasn't my heart.  Then I couldn't fall asleep, so I'd like to publicly thank her for ensuring a woman with a busted neck and busted teeth was also going to be getting her kids out the door on three hours of sleep.

I did indeed go to the dentist next day and the x-rays showed no severe damage.  My four front lower teeth are all loose, which means lots of ice cream for me for a few days, and next week I go back to have things rechecked and my chipped teeth sanded smooth.  I also went to the doctor, who immediately knew what I was describing.  He used lots of medical terms, but then said "essentially an air pocket forms" and causes pain and if the pain is intense enough it can make you pass out.  He was confident it had nothing to do with the heart, but he did an EKG just to satisfy my sister who was lurking in the waiting room.  All along I was sure it was nothing serious and was far more concerned about the state of my teeth.  I kept waiting for a couple of those lower suckers to suddenly flop out of my mouth and into my bowl of gelato.  Then, like Ernest T. Bass, I could get a gold one put right in the middle with space on each side so it would stand out better, especially when I'm dancing...


Nancy Who Caares said...

And I'd call AGAIN if I got an e-mail like that. You should be grateful someone cares. (Unlike your daughter, who stepped over your writhing body the time you dislocated your shoulder.)

Alice Ruebusch said...

You're lucky Nancy got this e-mail. I would have called 911.

Anonymous said...

Only you could take something scary and potentially serious and make it funny, but it wasn't funny when I read it the next morning (Nancy let me sleep through all this). I would have been on the phone, too, urging you to go to the ER.